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I am not a robot's Journal

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7th August 2005

4:44am: I have been without reliable access to the internet for over a month now, but I thought I should update this thing.

I buried my dog last Monday. Vanessa was 11 years old, and I'm going to miss her. I'm dealing with some guilt issues about her... she was at my parents' while I've been living near UC for the past 7 years, so I didn't get to see her as much as I wish I could have. I think she was a pretty dog, so I'm going to post some pictures.





23rd February 2005

5:14pm: Unemployed again... not yet loving it. Need to find a new job.

11th November 2004

7:48am: I am once again a part of the employed populace, and it sucks just as much as I remember it.
Current Mood: exhausted

22nd October 2004

4:26pm: HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY, EVERYBODY!
Current Mood: CAPS LOCKED

17th June 2004

5:27am: I watched Vertigo tonight at Maria's place... she's moving out tomorrow morning. It certainly makes Harvey Danger's song "Carlotta Valdez" make a lot more sense.

I'm going to miss Maria.

9th May 2004

3:38am: the most i've had to drink in a while... shouldn't again

i don't want to be here anymore

21st February 2004

1:11pm: John Vanderslice is the nicest man alive.
My roommate Scott wrote him to tell him that Cellar Door is one of the best albums he's ever heard, and today a package shows up with the new Cellar Door remix cd (not even out yet) and a post-it attached to it that says: "Scott, <3(a heart) JV"

6th February 2004

12:46am: From a friend of mine in the military...
Hey everyone,
Just a note to say hi. I'm still in Kuwait but I sould be out of here in a couple of months. Things are going alright. I just hope the rest of this time goes fast. Its not too hot out yet and it looks like I'll be out of here before the summer hits. I had a great time while I was home on leave but it honestly took me a couple of days to get use to a car with doors and not having a firearm on me. Civilization is weird.
Take it easy,
Den

1st February 2004

3:08am: She's not really to blame, what she did makes perfect logical sense, and i can't bring myself to hate her for it. There's no reason to.

But logic doesn't make the twisting knife of rejection out of my heart. And logic sure as hell doesn't help you when you feel so alone.

29th January 2004

12:28pm: Suck.
97X WOXY is only going to be able to be heard via the internet. The station was sold. One of the last and arguably the best independent radio stations. Immortalized by Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. Sellers of "Corporate Radio Sucks" T-shirts. I could always rely on them to play a request for John Vanderslice, the Decemberists, Mazarin, the Long Winters, and the Minders.

Ugh.

7th September 2003

1:07am: Going to New York City tomorrow morning! Yay! Staying in Brooklyn for free! Yay!

4th September 2003

2:14am: Written by me in a dream:

"The worst thing that ever happened was the big bang. The worst thing that ever happened was the universe being created. The best thing that ever happened was the universe collapsing, and you and me being together."

I don't know.

1st August 2003

3:54am: Joe. You've got one thing left you give a damn about it. See what happens.

22nd July 2003

2:17pm: Cute girls who like good music and doing nothing are awesome.

28th June 2003

7:23pm: The following is long and mostly for me. Skip if you don't care to read about other people's family experiences.

I received a call on Thursday evening that my father's mom had taken a turn for the worse and wasn't expected to live through the night. She had had a massive stroke a few weeks ago and has generally been in declining health. She was staying in a nursing home about an hour and a half east of me, and my parents wanted to know if I wanted to go with them to say goodbye. I agreed, and they picked me up along with my aunt.

We arrived at around midnight, and my grandmother was still hanging in there. She looked very different than when I saw her last at the family new year's eve party... the stroke had left the right side of her body completely paralyzed, and really she only had voluntary control of her left arm and head. It was hard to tell how aware she was of her surroundings at first, but eventually she seemed to wake up. My dad and three of his brothers and sisters were there. We didn't know how long she had to go, so we all said our own goodbyes to her. She was trying to talk to us, but the stroke had left her unable to speak. We could only guess at what she was trying to say, and she would either nod yes or shake her head no... on top of that, apparently she's been reading lips for past few years, as she had lost most of her hearing. So it's difficult to say how much we were really effectively communicating with her.

Throughout the night I took walks to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. There was a young cat on the porch of the nursing home that came to like me. My mom came out to the porch with me and we had a discussion about the house that my grandmother used to live in. I was recalling the house itself alright, but I couldn't bring up many specific memories. My memories usually involve what places were like but not what actually happened, which has always frustrated me. The only thing I could remember was my grandmother fixing me ramen noodles... I think it was the first time I had them. I don't know.

My mom and I started talking about my dad and all his siblings. There were 3 girls and 3 boys in their family, including my dad. I noted that the youngest, Ron, was very quiet and reserved and didn't act like the traditional "youngest child" and that it was the same case with me. My friend Neal just the other day had remarked that he could usually tell if someone is an only child, and eldest child, or the youngest child, but that it wasn't the case with me, I didn't fit the youngest child profile. My mom replied that she always thought I had an "old soul." Growing up, I was always very mature and responsible. She would leave the exact same directions for me as she would my 7-years-senior brother. I don't know what that means, but it makes a certain kind of sense to me.

Apparently one of the things my grandmother wanted was for some of the recently born grandchildren to be baptized into the cathol ic church. The Kydes have always been of pretty catholic stock, though the youngest daughter had apparently changed religions, and my grandmother was afraid that the daughter's children wouldn't be baptized. This daughter is of the "Holy-Roller" variety, as my dad put it, and spent most of her final conversations with my grandmother talking about Jesus and reading from the bible and repeating "I love you." In moderation this is fine, but it got to the point of being monotonous throughout the night. I'm not much of a catholic anymore, but my dad pretty much agreed with me that it was getting very tiring to hear her go on about her mom going to be with Jesus all night.

I was up all night with her, on and off. I was getting really tired, and at about one on Friday I went out to the van to get some sleep. I had been up for 25 hours at that point. We had promised my aunt Joani that we would stay with her through the night, so she wouldn't be alone, and she would come by to relieve us on Friday. My dad woke me up at 2:00 on Friday and said that we were going to go home; we had done all we could, and other relatives were going to stay with her while we went home and got some sleep. So we went home, and I went to sleep in my old room. I woke up a bit after midnight to the voice of my dad on the phone in his room.

My grandmother had been hanging on for something. What it was, we weren't sure, and I don't think we'll ever be sure. We thought maybe she was hanging on to see her only surviving sister, who came to see her Friday morning. Then we thought she might be hanging on for her daughter who didn't get to the nursing home until Friday night. I believe she was holding on to make sure that it was ok for her to go; she wanted to know that her kids would be ok without her. She was a very selfless woman. Or maybe she was holding on for her birthday, which would have been today. In any case, those who were left with her saw her start to go at around 11 last night. They sang her "Happy Birthday," because they didn't think she would make it to midnight. She passed away at 11:15 PM. She would have been 87.

This is the first death I've ever gone through. I've had great aunts die and pets die, but never a close relative or friend. My reaction to it all seems very cold to me, but I was half expecting myself to be this way. I'm not broken up about it; I felt bad when I first saw the condition she was in, but it was her time to go. I loved her, however, and it was from her that most of my artistic ability came from. I'm still trying to figure everything out.

21st June 2003

2:55am: I hate life.

12th June 2003

5:08am: Pushing away forgeting
Tonight was the senior ID party at Dale's place. I can tell right now it's one of those nights that, no matter how much I try to remember, will fade. I have pictures, and years from now I'll try to remember this night, and how great it was, but ultimately I will fail. I will only remember that I forgot it. Maybe I won't need the memory. But I want it, just like I want the others.

20th May 2003

3:39pm: Okay, I'm pretty sure now that Hasbro is hiring for the Tonka team... not what I want at all. Crap.
4:10am: Word on the street is that Hasbro is hiring. I'm finding out more info tomorrow... I guess I'll apply. Don't really know what else to do after graduating. What's the worse the can happen?

8th February 2003

3:21am: Heh.

This was my idea.

I came up with this concept for a preschool toy and made a bunch of prototypes for it. The original idea for Tappy the Turtle was that each limb would pull in as you hit the corresponding shape, and that would wind a mechanism that would release when you hit the center one, making him run aorund and spin. Needless to say, that was prohibitvely expensive, but nevertheless I have enabled the teaching of animal abuse to the impressionable youth of America.

29th September 2002

3:40am: I have been rocked by three very good groups of rockers tonight (Quruli, Vanderslice, Dismemberment Plan). I have also met three nice people I had not met before (heck, dayan, rollerboogie). I have also purchased three band-related goods at aforementioned concert (Quruli CD, Vanderslice shirt, Dismemberment shirt). I also gave three 5 dollar bills to a parking attendant because I was too lazy to find a spot on the street ($5, $5, $5). On the whole, an excellent evening.

And my room is freezing. The people downstairs control my radiator, and have decided to deprive me of warmth.
Current Mood: Rocked

28th September 2002

11:28am: Vanderslice and the Plan, to-night! In the meantime... um... hm.
Current Mood: bored

22nd September 2002

10:59pm: Ok, didn't end up seeing Spirited Away due to Phill's inability to locate the Kendall Square theater, but had a good time nonetheless. Phil, Mike, Eric and I got some Vietnamese (where we started using the word "mung" in every possible context we could think of) and got an early seat at the Burren while we waited for everyone else to show up. By the end of the night everyone was wasted and half our party had to leave because poor Mike put his head on the table (and thus was asked to leave by a bouncer). Phil and Sepi wanted to stay, and since I was crashing at their place I had to hang around trying to stay upright until they'd had their fun. The hangover this morning wasn't too bad, and the headache was probably due to the fact that I slept on the bare hardwood floor.

We tried seeing Spirited Away again this morning after eating at the Greenhouse, but decided instead to see the IMAX 3D Space Station movie, thus inciting in all of us a desire to be astronauts. I also discussed with Phil my whole Beverage Restaurant idea, and we proceeded to brainstorm ideas for the name, which is of course the most important part of any business plan. Finalists include Drinky McBeverage's, Beverage McDrinkerson's, and Thirsty McSwaggerson's.

21st September 2002

1:34pm: Off to see Miyazaki's Spirited Away in Boston! Huzzah!
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